Emotions suck sometimes

There's been stuff going on in the dog world around here.

Megan got adopted last night by a very nice couple. She will have a 12 year old canine sibling who is feeling the loss of his sister who was his littermate and they grew up together until she passed a month ago. He hasn't been quite the same since. Hopefully Megan will be able to give him the companionship he is missing.

For those of you keeping track of Lucy's progress, I have a story...it could be long...

Two Mondays ago Lucy was supposed to have her eye surgery (May 10.) The Monday before that it was cancelled because the vet became unavailable. Notice I said she was supposed to have eye surgery on the 10th? Well, it got cancelled. She was throwing up all day Sunday and then again Monday morning. I drove my hour long highway drive to the vet and told them what was going on. I knew they would opt out of surgery...and they did. It really was in the best interest of Lucy, but totally frustrating for me. SO, we scheduled again for this past Monday (the 17th). I cancelled on Friday...this is why:

Lucy hadn't eaten all week. She wasn't interested in much of anything, was quiet, pensive, not doing too well overall, but still was going outside to pee and going out of her crate to get some water. I figured it was an obstruction of some sort because she does like to destuff her toys and then eat parts of them, rip them apart, etc. She does this to toweling and bedding, too.

On Thursday, I called a local vet and made an appointment for Saturday, maybe they could tell me if it actually was an obstruction. I figured it would require x-rays. Thursday late morning I talked with my co-owner of SPR, Shelly, and we agreed that due to her personality, lack of much progress, blindness that we might not be able to fix (I'll tell you why in a few..) and the cost of what surgery they might suggest to remove said obstruction, and the fact that it may happen again because she eats things...we decided it was really in her best interest to not go to the vet, and to cancel the eye surgery because there was no way they'd be operating on a girl that hadn't eaten all week -- and just let her be.

This is the 3rd time the surgery was cancelled, Lucy seemed to be getting impatient with the 4x a day eye drops...and the money we were promised for donations didn't come through. There had to be a message here. I had to listen.

Shelly and I talked again and decided that Lucy would be euthanized. You don't even know how heartbroken with that decision I was. I wasn't ready. I knew it was probably the best answer because she was starting to starve at this point and I didn't want to put her through that. I knew it was what we had to do, but I wasn't 100% on it that day. I wanted to wait, to get through the weekend, and I figured on Monday it would be the humane thing to do if she still hadn't eaten.

I cried. I felt bad. I felt so sorry for her terrible life she's had.

On Friday -- I cried more. I wrote a note to the eye surgeon telling her our decision and the reasons for it. I would have had to cancel the appointment anyway due to lack of funds (this surgery would completely wipe us out and then some. Add the cost of visits, meds, etc. and it will end up well over $3000, plus we have to get meds and visits for the other 2 female puppy mill dogs that came in with Lucy.)

As I'm writing an email to the vet, I received a comment from Kimberj from the blog, Arthur and I. She wrote to tell me that after having her Australian Shepherd for 13.5 years, a best friend that's been by her side every day -- they would be putting him down. I felt so bad for her, wrote her a note, and felt even worse because I was telling her that I was in the middle of making the same decision.

(Kim, if you are reading this...I hope you have received my notes...my thoughts are with you at this time of loss and sorrow.)

I cried HARD. So hard I thought I was going to pass out. My heart hurt for Kim, my heart ached for Lucy. Was I letting her down? Was I doing the right thing? I've gotten to know her and have her in my heart....this is why emotions suck...they cloud your thinking.

So, after all that decision making, vet appointment canceling, feelings of loss and sorrow, telling a few people of the decision and being pissed at the people that brought her into the world like this and treated her like shit...she ate a treat. The damn dog ate a treat. A couple hours later she went outside, I followed, I wanted to see if there were any signs, any possibility of a bowel movement. There was. A sort of healthy one that included string and whatever else. She came in and was hungry. Yes, hungry! I gave her some food, not too much because I didn't want her heaving after not eating for 6 days. She wanted more.

Then Saturday comes and she's a bit of a different dog. She's more alert and active than before she got sick. She changed. She seems brighter, lighter, less scared. She's HUNGRY! She's been roaming the whole house and not just two rooms. She's been going outside and not staying on her typical path but actually going out INTO the yard. She changed. It's wonderful. She's not 100% by any means but she was making 1% changes and this was more like a 20% change.

A friend of mine suggested that maybe what her spirit needed was to know she was really wanted and loved and that's why she came out of it, and even changed.

She's still scared, but she's curious. I've been hand feeding her. She is so food oriented and feeling a little calmer and safer that she comes to wherever I am for some food. I give her a few nuggets at a time. I change where I am in the house, sometimes some places make her nervous but the desire for food is stronger and she comes. SHE COMES! It's sooooo great. What's even better is that she goes to R. when he's offering food. So now when people come over, I will have them hold out food for her so she can get used to different people.

A couple days ago we received a $50 donation to go toward her surgery. Another sign to go ahead? that it will all work out? It's the first one. I was so touched. It meant so much. Someone other than we who know her, wants to be a part of her receiving sight. Isn't that so great!?

Now we are back to scheduling her for the eye surgery. We decided "what the hell, you only live once." we'll figure out the payment thing.

Keep fingers crossed that everything stays good.